Friday, January 27, 2017

b e   s o f t 

I was a really sensitive kid. I am a sensitive adult. Not overly sensitive and whiny about it (I hope). I can just feel the environment around me at all times.
 
 I am open to it. I am not closed off into my own world.
I can walk into a room and feel the mood. I know instantly when someone makes eye contact with me if they will like me or not. It can be exhausting at times. It can make being a shop owner interesting.

I also know when a situation is going a bit sideways and I turn away from it, ignore it a bit or for a long time, then I shut the door quickly when it becomes too much for me. It takes a lot for me to get to that point though. I have become a better boundary keeper because of it as an adult. But even when I shut the door, I am always willing to open it again if what meets me on the other side is understanding and respect. Because ultimately, I like peace around me.
 
The last few years have been an interesting roller coaster with a child on the autism spectrum. This month especially hard. Being "soft" means I am in it all the time trying to figure out how to be the best mom. 

On one particularly hard night this week, I was sitting there with Saint (who is just as soft and sensitive as I am) and I asked him "Are we doing our best?" He said "Yes".  

Maybe having a child with special needs takes soft parents. Even when we don't know what we are doing all the time. And every week there is a different challenge. And it means we take our child to watch trains for hours every week instead of cleaning the house.

Our family motto this year is "peace and prosperity". Mostly because 2016 was a year of "stress and instability", too many balls in the air and nothing had landed softly. So far, we on the right track this year. I prayed more and spent more time in quiet reflection in 2016 than in any other year of my life. 

I am feeling happy today. Each day seems to get easier.

And I am realizing it is ok to be soft. It might be my gift. It might be what will make me a good mom.